Flushing Meadows

simpsons flushing meadows

I should have gone before I left. Why didn’t I just get it out of the way? Would’ve taken me two minutes. I would be so much more comfortable right now. Although, to be fair, it never really hits hard until I flop down into the front seat. Grab some wheel, put it in drive and BAM, it kicks like a mule. The pressure builds, the body reacts, the bladder seems to shrivel. It hurts to pinch it off, but helps somehow. Deep breaths also help.

Oh Jesus, I hope I don’t get pulled over. I don’t think I could hold it. Cops do not usually appreciate being pissed on. I can’t speed either, can’t take the chance, but it feels like my legs are filling up, making my foot heavy, but I have to keep it steady.

I look around the car for an empty bottle, just in case. I could possibly angle it out the window, but the splash back would be terrible. I’d rather just ruin my pants than spritz my car, inside and out. Oh sweet Jesus, hoo boy it’s getting painful.

Cold sweats dot my forehead even though it’s freezing outside. If I yell loudly maybe I can distract myself from the impending urge. I bite down on my back teeth to keep them from floating away. A line of swears I doubt I could produce under normal circumstances flow from my mouth like a faucet turned full blast. Oh god, don’t think of a faucet.

I can’t help but feel this is somehow my fault. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Of course it’s my fault. I’m a grown ass man, I should know when I have to pee. Next time I will handle my business like an adult. I certainly don’t feel like an adult with one hand on my dick and the other gripping the steering wheel with hateful retribution.

Finally, turning down my street , there is hope in sight. I can’t stop farting, but I’m close enough to settle my body. Just hang on another thirty seconds and I’ll be there.

I pull into my driveway about ten miles an hour faster than usual and jam the car into park. I don’t have the patience to fumble for my keys so I sprint for the back yard. Luckily it’s dark back there because as soon as I clear my zipper I let loose a stream that could put out a house fire. Tears form in the corners of my eyes, one or two streaking my cheek. This is the greatest feeling alive. A shiver rides up the back of my neck, my knees buckle and I breathe heavy. Sweet lord, I feel human again.

I zip up and make my way inside, humbled and exhausted, promising never to put myself through that again. I will forget this lesson one day, or have more faith than I should in my human adult skills, but for now I feel good. Like a less than omnipotent god, free from the constraints that held my mortal being. Like the grown man I have to remind myself that I am.


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